I admit defeat.

Why like this now? I'm not happy. I used to say whatever I like to you. Literally anything. But the more I get to know you, I feel lost. Afraid as well. I don't like how this feels. I want to talk to you like I don't give a damn. Psssh.

Had been eating so much. Feeling happy & guilty at the same time.

Day 2.

Realised it has been a month? :)

I don't know what happened but we just got further apart. I guess it was mostly my fault. But it's nice to know that we are still in good terms :) I didn't know I would miss you so much.

You said you don't care and I trusted you. It's not a very nice thing to say but I guess you really don't care. I may be mean and unreasonable but I always thought you were the kind who understands. The kind who will say "Ahhh, she's like that" without feeling surprised with my words. That was why I love talking to you. Am I thinking too much? Or am I interpreting it right?

You know? I'm happy. For feeling nothing anymore. I tried so hard. Did you know that?

With them, you just seem a little insignificant :/

Why care?

To ask people out.
To bring more clothes.
To feel excited to know that I'll be home soon.

I know I can't blame you but ...
Everyone should stop shrinking my importance.
Maybe I should just stay at home and complete my holiday homework since no one cares if I'm there or not. This is what I hate about home. It was one of the reasons I couldn't wait to leave home. Maybe family does come before friends. Friends are just, friends. Right? It's all about losing one another.

I thought you were busy. But I'm just a friend whom you won't reply to when you're free.

Marriage.

We were both from broken families. Divorced parents. We may seem fine when people talk about their perfect families but deep inside, we tear a little. She's 19 & now married. I see joy and I really hope it stays forever. You deserve a perfect family. Congratulations, love.

It's tomorrow.

First exam of the year. They call it test here because it's not the last paper of the year. If you get what I mean. I'm not even prepared. I just know I'm gonna do so badly. Screw this shit.

Oh. Happy birthday, you :)

I can't wait to go back to Ipoh although I met some friends just a month before this. I miss them so much! Back to Ipoh on the 20th. Up to Penang the day after. And down to Taiping on the 23rd. Back to Ipoh at night. & Singapore on the 24th. Everything is gonna happen so fast. Gosh. I must optimize the time available. The next time I'll meet them is in December :(
What about school homework? Gosh.

Thoughts and more thoughts.  These shall stop. The stupidity shall not stay. Ended my 2011, stupid & started my 2012, stupid. It's sad to know there's no effort taken to care. No feelings as well. I'm asking this again, are you sure you did? But who am I? You clearly don't need to make a thorough explanation.
You're just as clingy as I am. We would be in our own world if ...

I need luck.

What am I thinking?
What am I waiting for?
Why am I still like that?

A-Levels. It's this year. I wasted a year and it seems like I'm continuing it. Why the fuck? Why am I acting as though I can turn back time? Time is running out and I'm still here, blogging. December had been a fun month for me. Ergo, no regrets for not doing any of my homework. But bitch, I have to frantically complete them now. Exam's next week. I have no time to revise. Last minute revision again I guess. After so many years I'm still the same. Neither did I learn my lesson nor did I change. I'm not smart and I was never one. But why the fuck am I still acting like this? Fuck laziness. Every time I realise my wrongdoings, I feel like noting them down so I won't make my child repeat the mistakes I made. Stupid, yes.

They always say 'foreign talent' or 'foreign competition' and I think I just embarrassed my country. Pass? That isn't what I'm aiming for. But why am I stuck here? I feel tired. Tired of something which I don't even know what. Why am I being so nice to myself? I am a slow learner and I know I need time to understand things I'd learned. I need to start sacrificing. I have to. I must.

Magic went nuts. Have I been eating the wrong things? But I've been such a good girl already :'( This is not supposed to happen. I wanna have someone to talk to. The counselor seems like a very nice lady.

Something I cannot have. But I don't mind.
Mentally unstable.  Definitely.

Beat that!

Reached home at 3.30a.m yesterday & please, it's a big deal to me. This is my second time going out so late at night & bamm a new record.

Awkward. Very. Okay, maybe a little. Hmmm. I want it to be a little more realistic. Damn, I suck :( I have so much to say. So so much. I need someone to be a good listener, now :(

I feel disgusted with myself. I look horrible in pictures. I feel like crying again. People are busy with their own stuff. No one is free to listen to my nonsense. No, it isn't nonsense to me. I just have to tell someone. At least it makes me feel a little better, just a little.